Since the occurrences of the last few weeks, my "personal firewall settings" automatically configured to DENY ALL. Essentially reverting to no unwarranted connections with anyone, total severance from anything that could be a risk.
I feel that I simply am in no way ready at all to allow anyone any level of access whatsoever to myself, as it could lead to harm for everyone involved. Quite simply, any idea of "moving anywhere from where I am" feels too fraught with risk to contemplate.
This has lead to the peculiar problem of perception. No person can truly be an island, they must let *someone* be close to them in some way, lest they become completely detached.
Therefore, I figured "Fuck people, I have research, work, and a cat.". Seriously. Who needs people when they have a wonderful fluffy ball of cuteness that will never judge them or let them down, so long as they give it care and attention?
Seems this will not hold for long. I already start seeing myself growing ever more detached from the world away from work and keyboard, and without something, anything, to do, I find myself completely adrift and at a total loss. I already feel myself growing colder and more dead as a person, becoming nothing more than a fucking drone that accepts data and outputs research.
As a knock on effect, this "chilling" effect has in some ways affected my ability to be creative or imaginative in any real way, which leads to my ideas being less "Inventive" and moreso a rehashing of prior art with a slight twist.
To add a complication, I find that I do not want to be an isolated islet in the world, as I realize the quality of life of such an existance is quite frankly, fucking terrible. Yet I cannot see too well outside, the sea be misty as fuck. Visibility is low, and I cannot allow self to act without a proper amount of foresight and planning.
I sit here, looking around and see "people". People I know, people I consider friends. And I find that I simply see them as representations of data, manifestations of the functions in their minds that process input and fire off output at seemingly random times. Complex algorithms that I cannot be bothered solve.
This lack of motivation is having a seriously fucking murderous effect on everything except my work. I go at assignments and research full speed ahead, yet simpler things like socializing feel like a bit of a chore.
Which is probably why I am not interacting with anyone right now, instead being absorbed completely in writing this and listening to some music.
I suppose I will unplug for a while... Allow some inbound access. Maybe to something harmless like the "webserver" or "Chat service"/
No comments:
Post a Comment