/* Please note, this post has not been edited or checked. It is as I write it in my current state, so typoes may proliferate throughout the text */
Well, last 24 hours have been strange. I planned to spend ""forever alone day" at home with my cat, Stephen King, and a fuckload of chocolate.
Instead, some friends had half convinced me to go out by the time I got home, and my plans of bed, kitteh, books and chocolate were blow'd up. By the cat.
Seems she got stuck in my room or something, because she left a lovely maloderant package on my bed. All over it. "Not sleeping here tonight... Room needs time to air". Cleaned mess up, had shower + food, went to town.
At first it seemed it would be an average, dull night (with extra hilarity from all the downbeat people around - you could TASTE the depression and rejection in the air), however that changed awful fast.
Had a couple (a few) drinks, and was actually having a pretty decent time and enjoying mild intoxication when it happened.
I ended up running into my ex... And almost lost my hold on self. So much unresolved stuff, so much un-dealt-with emotions, so much locked away. All came bursting loose. Like the fucking hoover dam in my mind decided to blow.
Few more drinks later, and a few conversations with her, and I was remembering the last ~6 years or so with incredible clarity (not just the last two, seemed she sparked memories from before I met her also), being bombarded inside with massive amounts of stimuli. Mind == BLOWN.
Overall, kept up appearances, nothing externally visible in public. Just "kept calm and carried on".
Inside, I still don't know what the fuck. I am still trying to handle this massive amount of information, all these memories, all this emotional stuff that has re-emerged.
Might I add, this time of year was never particularly easy for me. Never liked it. never could enjoy it. So this kind of mental tidal wave or avalanche of "stuff" is not exactly good, considering self.state(current).
Currently as people who read this will know, I am trying to deal with a few issues. One being how I "react" to people. The other being how I read people. I often misread, false positives or false negatives depending on subject matter and level of self delusional optimism or pessimism.
I have likely blown more than one chance to move on with life by being Mr Socially Awkward or Mr Standoffish at the wrong moment, but that was likely due to any number of factors. Number one being the little pessimism problem, which stems from fear. Fear of everything. Fear of unknown variables.
Not to mention, people who read this also know I get angry very easily. I know I cannot fix that, but I can at least try fix the "response". Ranting about it here is part of that - blowing off excess steam, etc. I have to get rid of it somewhere, else may cause self trouble again.
All in all, last 24 hours have caused a massive excess of memory, etc.
Now for the big problem: what am I gonna do next? I have choices, options are open. Just no fucking idea what to do with 'em. No idea what ones I should take, should I base my decisions on logical choice or on feeling? No idea. Should one base emotional choice on a logical arguement or just go with ones feelings?
No idea.
(Remember. Title included word "incoherence", so coherence was not my objective. I think. I dunno)
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