It is all just a distraction. All of it. The reason I spent four years studying the precise art and science of blowing things up, and the reason I cannot as much as look at a lock without considering picking it. The same reason I cannot browse the web without thinking of all the possible vulnerabilities in the sites I visit.
It is the reason I cannot walk around the city with a beautiful lady without thinking of wireless mapping. It is *all* just another distraction.
I cannot give too many examples, but as a case in point. When did my infosec career (blackhat or whitehat) really begin to kick off? When did my last proper relationship take a nosedive? Notice any correlation?
Engaging the mind to disengage the "heart"*, the perfect self-defence mechanism, the ideal preventative medicine. Keep the brain ticking over on some complex problems to stop it from even considering ANY emotional "stuff". Makes one look heartless, but really, it is just a symptom of fear.
Around the city I walked with her, and when she asked was I OK with just seemingly wandering I gave the (lame) excuse that I was mapping the place. That I had some semblance of a plan. Avoiding the fact that I was simply enjoying her company. Self delusion to the nth degree. Dodging the fact that someone may - does - mean more to me than just data.
When I proceeded to effect my egress, and started heading home, did I think about what it could have been? No. Too painful, too much possibility for hurt. Instead, I analysed my mapping data. Instead, I buried myself in my work.
If and when she comes to mind (often) I simply bury it all beneath the ever growing pile of information. Ideas. The 9am inspiration and 10am realization are proof of this.
A solution needs to be found in this, something both coldly logical and enough to appease the emotional one inside. Something simple and effective, for a simple answer solves most questions and bedamned the consequences of "asking".
All chance is either 1 or 0.
Null or Valid.
Yes or No.
Black or White.
The shades of grey are an illusion caused by our own moral delusions and an aspiration to justify our actions. It can go one of two ways and while one is the "perfect" outcome, the other is acceptable only due to the fact it will change nothing, merely /bin/rm a few files and cause temporary system instability.
Nothing of great value can be lost. Everything of value will be lost. A simultaneously paradoxical equation resulting in 0 or 1 depending on the perspective.
None of it may make ANY sense to you, but, oh well, makes flawless sense to me. Because it is not about explaining myself to you, but moreso about explaining myself to me. The fact that it is published may seemingly negate that but no, it was posted for my own amusement**, basically the same reason I did ANYTHING.
"I did it for the lulz".
The lulz, meaning of course, as a distraction. For fun. To divert, appease and slow the mind. To stem a tide of both boredom and emotional dilemma - essentially a distraction.
Don't understand? Doesn't matter. Perhaps scroll up and try again.
* The matter of the "heart" is a funny one. As a closet romantic I find the notion pleasing, wheras as a scientist I find it amusing seeing as it is, essentially, a fucking pump. As a cynic I find it hilarious as often it really is a metaphor for the "small head", but as a human being I find it a lovely way to explain matters of "love".
**Publishing this may also have been a form of catharsis, a means of cleansing or purging the mind. It probably did not fucking work anyway. Oh well.
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