/* Yet another un-edited post... Expect more typoes */
Indecision. The inability to decide, to choose.
To be able to choose assumes one has choices, options, different routes to pick from.
In an equation, in math, physics, or even an algorithm or function in a program, there will always be variables if the program, equation or algorithm is to do something useful. The variables are the choices that cause the function, algorithm or equation to "do something".
Here the issue is several choices and no predefined function or equation that will let me decide logically which to choose.
It all began a couple of months ago... When I realized that I actually had regained the ability to "feel". I had been numb for so long, willingly denying myself the ability to feel certain emotions, trying to protect self from emotional harm.
Instead I became a complete bastard at times, as I could not comprehend certain things, ignored certain people, and generally caused a bit of pain in general by blanking everything.
Now I have options, and don't know what to do with 'em. I could just randomly choose from them using a rand() type function but, no idea. Could do more harm than good.
I have people from my past coming back and causing me significant amounts of pain and such (mentally) by putting choices there, and I would be lying if I said I felt nothing. I have new people who also seem to be acting as if they are another choice, but I don't know how to trust them. I have to trust them if I am to decide, as nothing in life will succeed without trust to some degree.
There was a lot more to this that I [backspaced] out as I didn't feel like finishing it.
ah well.
/*ends*/
Thursday 16 February 2012
Wednesday 15 February 2012
Incoherence, memory, and the past.
/* Please note, this post has not been edited or checked. It is as I write it in my current state, so typoes may proliferate throughout the text */
Well, last 24 hours have been strange. I planned to spend ""forever alone day" at home with my cat, Stephen King, and a fuckload of chocolate.
Instead, some friends had half convinced me to go out by the time I got home, and my plans of bed, kitteh, books and chocolate were blow'd up. By the cat.
Seems she got stuck in my room or something, because she left a lovely maloderant package on my bed. All over it. "Not sleeping here tonight... Room needs time to air". Cleaned mess up, had shower + food, went to town.
At first it seemed it would be an average, dull night (with extra hilarity from all the downbeat people around - you could TASTE the depression and rejection in the air), however that changed awful fast.
Had a couple (a few) drinks, and was actually having a pretty decent time and enjoying mild intoxication when it happened.
I ended up running into my ex... And almost lost my hold on self. So much unresolved stuff, so much un-dealt-with emotions, so much locked away. All came bursting loose. Like the fucking hoover dam in my mind decided to blow.
Few more drinks later, and a few conversations with her, and I was remembering the last ~6 years or so with incredible clarity (not just the last two, seemed she sparked memories from before I met her also), being bombarded inside with massive amounts of stimuli. Mind == BLOWN.
Overall, kept up appearances, nothing externally visible in public. Just "kept calm and carried on".
Inside, I still don't know what the fuck. I am still trying to handle this massive amount of information, all these memories, all this emotional stuff that has re-emerged.
Might I add, this time of year was never particularly easy for me. Never liked it. never could enjoy it. So this kind of mental tidal wave or avalanche of "stuff" is not exactly good, considering self.state(current).
Currently as people who read this will know, I am trying to deal with a few issues. One being how I "react" to people. The other being how I read people. I often misread, false positives or false negatives depending on subject matter and level of self delusional optimism or pessimism.
I have likely blown more than one chance to move on with life by being Mr Socially Awkward or Mr Standoffish at the wrong moment, but that was likely due to any number of factors. Number one being the little pessimism problem, which stems from fear. Fear of everything. Fear of unknown variables.
Not to mention, people who read this also know I get angry very easily. I know I cannot fix that, but I can at least try fix the "response". Ranting about it here is part of that - blowing off excess steam, etc. I have to get rid of it somewhere, else may cause self trouble again.
All in all, last 24 hours have caused a massive excess of memory, etc.
Now for the big problem: what am I gonna do next? I have choices, options are open. Just no fucking idea what to do with 'em. No idea what ones I should take, should I base my decisions on logical choice or on feeling? No idea. Should one base emotional choice on a logical arguement or just go with ones feelings?
No idea.
(Remember. Title included word "incoherence", so coherence was not my objective. I think. I dunno)
Well, last 24 hours have been strange. I planned to spend ""forever alone day" at home with my cat, Stephen King, and a fuckload of chocolate.
Instead, some friends had half convinced me to go out by the time I got home, and my plans of bed, kitteh, books and chocolate were blow'd up. By the cat.
Seems she got stuck in my room or something, because she left a lovely maloderant package on my bed. All over it. "Not sleeping here tonight... Room needs time to air". Cleaned mess up, had shower + food, went to town.
At first it seemed it would be an average, dull night (with extra hilarity from all the downbeat people around - you could TASTE the depression and rejection in the air), however that changed awful fast.
Had a couple (a few) drinks, and was actually having a pretty decent time and enjoying mild intoxication when it happened.
I ended up running into my ex... And almost lost my hold on self. So much unresolved stuff, so much un-dealt-with emotions, so much locked away. All came bursting loose. Like the fucking hoover dam in my mind decided to blow.
Few more drinks later, and a few conversations with her, and I was remembering the last ~6 years or so with incredible clarity (not just the last two, seemed she sparked memories from before I met her also), being bombarded inside with massive amounts of stimuli. Mind == BLOWN.
Overall, kept up appearances, nothing externally visible in public. Just "kept calm and carried on".
Inside, I still don't know what the fuck. I am still trying to handle this massive amount of information, all these memories, all this emotional stuff that has re-emerged.
Might I add, this time of year was never particularly easy for me. Never liked it. never could enjoy it. So this kind of mental tidal wave or avalanche of "stuff" is not exactly good, considering self.state(current).
Currently as people who read this will know, I am trying to deal with a few issues. One being how I "react" to people. The other being how I read people. I often misread, false positives or false negatives depending on subject matter and level of self delusional optimism or pessimism.
I have likely blown more than one chance to move on with life by being Mr Socially Awkward or Mr Standoffish at the wrong moment, but that was likely due to any number of factors. Number one being the little pessimism problem, which stems from fear. Fear of everything. Fear of unknown variables.
Not to mention, people who read this also know I get angry very easily. I know I cannot fix that, but I can at least try fix the "response". Ranting about it here is part of that - blowing off excess steam, etc. I have to get rid of it somewhere, else may cause self trouble again.
All in all, last 24 hours have caused a massive excess of memory, etc.
Now for the big problem: what am I gonna do next? I have choices, options are open. Just no fucking idea what to do with 'em. No idea what ones I should take, should I base my decisions on logical choice or on feeling? No idea. Should one base emotional choice on a logical arguement or just go with ones feelings?
No idea.
(Remember. Title included word "incoherence", so coherence was not my objective. I think. I dunno)
Wednesday 8 February 2012
Educating Retards (Fuck Stupid People)
This was going to be a LONG, drawn out rant. It was GOING to piss off a LOT of people.
So I cut it short lest I cause too much butthurt.
First off, by "retard" I mean "Fucking Stupid People", not anything else. I mean TOTALLY FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEINGS who are SO fucking stupid that the term "retard" or "imbecile" is the ONLY term in my vocabulary that does their idiocy justice.
If such a retard is reading this rant (and is already butthurt) they should read on. Their online existance may even be prolonged by what I have to say... If they take heed!
Let's start with a prime example, one I see at LEAST once a week. The average Facebook User!
Here are some of the incredibly silly things they do, which qualifies them for the title "Retard".
"Who needs privacy controls? I have nothing to hide!" (Spelling and grammar corrected).
Well now, dearest retard, let me see... Unless you are a retired cybercriminal whose online movements are monitored 24/7 ANYWAY by law enforcement, and thus hiding is a moot point, (see my later post "On Paranoia", coming soon!), I am certain you DO have something to hide.
Have you ever broken the law on a night out? (no matter how trivial), Cheated on your significant other? Done or said ANYTHING that a current or future employer may not be overly pleased with? Have any enemies? (we all have enemies)
Odds are, there is a photo of it. With you tagged in it.
Or a wall post. With you tagged in it.
Or a comment. With your name linked to it.
Odds are, it is SOMEWHERE on Facebook. With your name proudly displayed next to it. And anyone who wants to find it, CAN and WILL find it.
As an extreme (yet real) example, do you like the idea of someone being able to TRACK your EVERY move a bit creepy? A bit impossible? A bit bloody frightening? Based solely on your misconfigured privacy settings and your facebook page?
Sound like fiction?
It aint. See here for more on that, the aptly named tool "CREEPY". CREEPY GeoLocation
THAT is why you need privacy controls. EVERYONE has something to hide from someone.
The next case is somewhat hilarious. One I see daily.
Apps. Fucking apps. As a legitimate Facebook Application Developer (WileyLess app!) I get royally fucking pissed off with all the fake applications out there. As a reformed blackhat I *know* how they work, having considered creating some in the past. Shit like "what was my first status" and "photo viewer". Pisses me off, because the ONLY reason they still proliferate is because of the fucking retards who click on them and propegate them.
Sure, call 'em victims, but people *That* fucking stupid should not be let near a computer in the first place. And even worse, when you TELL them they just got pwned they freak the fuck out and start getting all defensive, saying YOU are being an asshole. Sorry ma'am or sir, I was just warning you. I apologise for my vitriolic tone. No. Fuck you. You had been warned. You should have known better. But nope, in your incredible stupidity you went and allowed the thing to not only pwn you, but also spread via your account to your equally idiotic friends, some of whom likely fell victim themselves.
Hence, I will *not* be apologising for my marginally rude manner, you *know* the rules. Dont. Fucking. Click. Shit.
This rant is being cut short. I am sick of these retarded people.
Seriously. I would make a video if I could... Just to demonstrate my anger at them. I would name shame and fucking blame several. But I won't, as I don't feel like it.
So I cut it short lest I cause too much butthurt.
First off, by "retard" I mean "Fucking Stupid People", not anything else. I mean TOTALLY FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEINGS who are SO fucking stupid that the term "retard" or "imbecile" is the ONLY term in my vocabulary that does their idiocy justice.
If such a retard is reading this rant (and is already butthurt) they should read on. Their online existance may even be prolonged by what I have to say... If they take heed!
Let's start with a prime example, one I see at LEAST once a week. The average Facebook User!
Here are some of the incredibly silly things they do, which qualifies them for the title "Retard".
"Who needs privacy controls? I have nothing to hide!" (Spelling and grammar corrected).
Well now, dearest retard, let me see... Unless you are a retired cybercriminal whose online movements are monitored 24/7 ANYWAY by law enforcement, and thus hiding is a moot point, (see my later post "On Paranoia", coming soon!), I am certain you DO have something to hide.
Have you ever broken the law on a night out? (no matter how trivial), Cheated on your significant other? Done or said ANYTHING that a current or future employer may not be overly pleased with? Have any enemies? (we all have enemies)
Odds are, there is a photo of it. With you tagged in it.
Or a wall post. With you tagged in it.
Or a comment. With your name linked to it.
Odds are, it is SOMEWHERE on Facebook. With your name proudly displayed next to it. And anyone who wants to find it, CAN and WILL find it.
As an extreme (yet real) example, do you like the idea of someone being able to TRACK your EVERY move a bit creepy? A bit impossible? A bit bloody frightening? Based solely on your misconfigured privacy settings and your facebook page?
Sound like fiction?
It aint. See here for more on that, the aptly named tool "CREEPY". CREEPY GeoLocation
THAT is why you need privacy controls. EVERYONE has something to hide from someone.
The next case is somewhat hilarious. One I see daily.
Apps. Fucking apps. As a legitimate Facebook Application Developer (WileyLess app!) I get royally fucking pissed off with all the fake applications out there. As a reformed blackhat I *know* how they work, having considered creating some in the past. Shit like "what was my first status" and "photo viewer". Pisses me off, because the ONLY reason they still proliferate is because of the fucking retards who click on them and propegate them.
Sure, call 'em victims, but people *That* fucking stupid should not be let near a computer in the first place. And even worse, when you TELL them they just got pwned they freak the fuck out and start getting all defensive, saying YOU are being an asshole. Sorry ma'am or sir, I was just warning you. I apologise for my vitriolic tone. No. Fuck you. You had been warned. You should have known better. But nope, in your incredible stupidity you went and allowed the thing to not only pwn you, but also spread via your account to your equally idiotic friends, some of whom likely fell victim themselves.
Hence, I will *not* be apologising for my marginally rude manner, you *know* the rules. Dont. Fucking. Click. Shit.
This rant is being cut short. I am sick of these retarded people.
Seriously. I would make a video if I could... Just to demonstrate my anger at them. I would name shame and fucking blame several. But I won't, as I don't feel like it.
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