Denial | Personal Firewall Rules

Since the occurrences of the last few weeks, my "personal firewall settings" automatically configured to DENY ALL. Essentially reverting to no unwarranted connections with anyone, total severance from anything that could be a risk.

I feel that I simply am in no way ready at all to allow anyone any level of access whatsoever to myself, as it could lead to harm for everyone involved. Quite simply, any idea of "moving anywhere from where I am" feels too fraught with risk to contemplate.

This has lead to the peculiar problem of perception. No person can truly be an island, they must let *someone* be close to them in some way, lest they become completely detached.

Therefore, I figured "Fuck people, I have research, work, and a cat.". Seriously. Who needs people when they have a wonderful fluffy ball of cuteness that will never judge them or let them down, so long as they give it care and attention?

Seems this will not hold for long. I already start seeing myself growing ever more detached from the world away from work and keyboard, and without something, anything, to do, I find myself completely adrift and at a total loss. I already feel myself growing colder and more dead as a person, becoming nothing more than a fucking drone that accepts data and outputs research.

As a knock on effect, this "chilling" effect has in some ways affected my ability to be creative or imaginative in any real way, which leads to my ideas being less "Inventive" and moreso a rehashing of prior art with a slight twist.

To add a complication, I find that I do not want to be an isolated islet in the world, as I realize the quality of life of such an existance is quite frankly, fucking terrible. Yet I cannot see too well outside, the sea be misty as fuck. Visibility is low, and I cannot allow self to act without a proper amount of foresight and planning.

I sit here, looking around and see "people". People I know, people I consider friends. And I find that I simply see them as representations of data, manifestations of the functions in their minds that process input and fire off output at seemingly random times. Complex algorithms that I cannot be bothered solve.

This lack of motivation is having a seriously fucking murderous effect on everything except my work. I go at assignments and research full speed ahead, yet simpler things like socializing feel like a bit of a chore.
Which is probably why I am not interacting with anyone right now, instead being absorbed completely in writing this and listening to some music.

I suppose I will unplug for a while... Allow some inbound access. Maybe to something harmless like the "webserver" or "Chat service"/

The Difference

I rarely, if ever, tell someone to shut the fuck up. I respect the right everyone has to their freedom of speech -  fuck, I might end up inside for fighting for it.

However, there are some fucking exceptional cases. For example, pointless bickering.

Seriously. As much as I encourage healthy debate, and ask everyone to question EVERYTHING, I do have to wonder.

What is the point in arguing over the most pointless non-issues ever? Or making claims you cannot substantiate in the first place? Or making accusations, using them as a weapon, and not bothering to check if they were accurate in the first place?

If you are going to accuse someone of something, or make claims about them, at least make sure your facts are, in fact, FACTS, before opening your fucking mouth.

Bullshitting about people, or spreading lies, only serves to dig you a pretty fucking big hole. And unless you are capable of apologising after, you are, essentially, fucked. That tower of lies you try to build will end up collapsing and fucking BURYING you.

That, is why I tell people to shut the fuck up. If you do not know what you are saying is true, do not bother saying it. Words are pretty damn sharp when wielded correctly, but everything you say is a double edged sword. So take care not to slice your nose off to spite your face.

TL;DR: Unless facts 100% verifiable; STFU.

Pointless Dramatics

So, the last week has seen some absolutely fucking pointless drama. Drama that has been stirring for quite a while, but nontheless is absolutely pointless and is pissing off people, not just myself.

So, I totally understand that humans are humans, and naturally will not get along all the time. As a species, we are fundamentally insane. Lock two of us in a room, and we start figuring out reasons to kill eachother. That's why we invented religion and politics.

Normally people will just comply with the societal norm of STFU and deal with it. Be the bigger person.

However, when one persons absolute dislike of another, despite it being a case of "pot, kettle" per se, is accompanied by their vitriolic hatred and need to expiate the other person from damn near everything, it becomes a problem.

So then it gets complicated. They start trying to involve others in their little drama. At first the others think it is some kind of joke. Perhaps some of the others have a latent dislike of the targeted individual anyway. Within a very short period of time, it becomes something rather unpleasant - an almost religious hatred and discrimination against the individual.

Those who are not swayed to hate, are either targeted immediately for "reeducation", or are treated with some level of hostility. This leads to them getting pissed off with the ridiculousness of the whole situation, and an epic shitload of drama occurring. During which... The cycle repeats.

Now this person is targeted also, however seeing as they were originally an insider, this fragments the group to a degree, to the point where friends feel they must choose sides, and both sides will try convince the general populace (of the group) that they are correct. This leads to complete disintegration of the group, over something that was not even the issue to begin with.

I see this happening at the moment among a group of my friends, a number of pointless wedges being driven between people. Some people have genuine grievances or genuine dislike of eachother, but they coexist peacefully, ignoring one another. However, there is a spark. And someone has gone and decided to douse it with a gallon of petrol...

For those who genuinely mean to be completely neutral, this becomes somewhat akin to walking on a tightrope. While balancing a gallon bucket of nitroglycerin on your nose, and a lit cigar in your mouth. Next to fucking impossible. Compromises must be made, which makes you seem distant to some and slightly untrustworthy to others (see prior post, I dont give a shit if I appear untrustworthy). In general, it becomes a righteous pain in the arse.

What makes me extremely confused is that these are fucking so called adults we are talking about, not a bunch of children. These people should have the maturity to understand that they will not like everyone they meet, and that other people may like the people they dislike.

Which leads to my conclusion. As fx of Phenoelit (one of my heroes) said at his Zeronights keynote speech:

There are 100 types of people you will meet:
00: Asshole
01: Asshole Considered Nice
10: Nice Considered Asshole
11: Nice

The middle ground grey areas make up more than 50% of the people you will ever meet. You will met few truly nice people, and few truly fucking evil people. Most will fall somewhere in the middle, and most of the time, your perception will be completely fucking wrong...
So please do not fucking impose it on everyone else.

// EOR

Guide to the Budget in 2013

You are getting completely shafted.

Emigrate.

That is all the advice I have.

// On a more serious note...

Form a co-op with friends! Grow your own tobacco! Brew your own beer!

NOW IS THE TIME TO GET ANGRY (if you are still calm!)

Re: Last Post - Priv Escalation

Just a short piece outlining a flaw in the privilege separation/enforcement doctrine I was explaining in my last article.

As said, in "usermode" there is "user" and "root", wherin user has extremely limited privileges as compared to "root". There is also the "middle ground" wherin a user has "sudo" privileges, wherin they can execute some actions as if they were an administrator.

I also outlined how if a "user" once had these privileges, and they were lost, they may still have "hooks" in place (psychological hooks) that allow them unwanted access at a later date.

Now to explain what this "sudo" really is... It is the unfettered trust offered by a close relationship, especially where romance is involved. Wherin one opens oneself up to an unthinkable degree to another person, rendering themselves vulnerable. In essence, the "heart".

The problems this can cause are immense. People who are attracted to someone often allow the person they are attracted to an unwarranted level of trust, in the hope the other person will reciprocate.

This leads to major problems in the event the other person decides to abuse this... Essentially gaining some degree of control over the overardent paramour who wishes for things to work out. Most often seen in abusive or suchlike relationships where one person is abusing the other persons trust to an unimaginable degree, but because they have enough "privileges" to do so, the person being royally fucked over does not see this until it is already too late.

Why do I explain it like so? Well, imagine what happens after a normal relationship splits up. There will be "fragments" left floating around both persons "filesystems", often fragments which are "privileged". These essentially are the psychological hooks left behind after a relationship which makes one want to "try again". Unless the person removes those, they will be incapable of correctly moving on, completely fucking up future relationships.

What the main message here is, no matter how locked down your "Trust No One" shit is, once you let someone in... it is incredibly hard to get rid of them without spending a good amount of time working on it.

Dropping Privs

People often have thought that I am too bloody paranoid at times, and more than once my inability to trust has lead to things falling apart. Trust, to me, is essentially a massive liability. Trust someone with anything, and you essentially hand them a loaded gun, with your name on every bullet.

I find the best way to treat "Trusting people" is to use the doctrine common to infosec people, that of "Least Privilege". i.e. where everyone is hostile and/or a untrustworthy backstabbing asshole until proven otherwise, and even then, they are treated as if they may well become hostile at any given point in time. This way, I manage to avoid getting completely fucked over... most of the time.

Unfortunately, society conditions us otherwise. As people, we are trained to trust people and tell all. Society as a whole ostracise's those who keep to themselves as paranoid or loners. In general, it is easier to take the risk of trusting too much, than put up with the social stigma associated with not trusting at all.

When we trust someone, they implicitly will begin to trust us. If we do not trust someone, they will instinctively mistrust us. Therefore, those of us who refuse to blindly trust are seen as dangerous individuals with something to hide.

I found that making myself deliberately vulnerable was not a solution to the problem of social ostracism due to my paranoia, so I found a different solution, based on privilege levels in modern operating systems.

In "Ring 3", or "usermode", we have "External" (automatically assumed to be hostile), guest (assumed to be hostile, but granted some privileges such as communication), "user" (granted several privileges, but not trusted with anything important to my survival or wellbeing unless strictly necessary, i.e. associates and friends), and "administrator", or "root", who is given the impression they have complete trust. This is reserved for "myself".

We then have the "Ring 0", or "kernelmode". This level of trust is denied to even myself, and is left to things like autonomous reactions, instinct, and other such survival instincts built in over time. Occasionally this may be overridden by directives from "root", but in Ring 0, at kernelmode, the only thing that matters is keeping myself from going unstable or ending up dead/injured. This is the "Self Preservation" part which enforces the other privilege seperations.

The funny thing is, this level of seperation is actually completely workable within the constraints of the human mind. The higher mind, or upper brain, is known as the "modern brain". It handles emotions, empathy, and other such vulnerable functions. The survival instincts and "base self preservation" is kept in the brain stem, or "old brain". To me, this is where the Ring 0 code is kept, well the fuck away from usermode. Can you imagine the havoc that could be caused by thinking yourself into stopping your own heartbeat?

In the end, this system can fail. If one day a user has "sudo" esque privileges, wherin they have almost unfettered access to certain usermode utilities, and they are dropped to "guest" or other levels, they can still leave "hooks" behind and regain some level of access as they please, if their privs are not dropped correctly. This leads to things like people being able to implant suggestions long after being determined to be hostile, and means that granting anyone any privileges whatsoever, is a major security risk to my own sanity.

TL;DR: The best way to go about things is trusting fucking no one, no matter how segmented you keep things. No matter what, someone will manage to abuse the privs they were granted and screw you over at a later date. Enforcing a strict rule of "least privilege" is the best way to avoid unnecessary fucking about, and at least gives untrusted people the impression they are somewhat trusted, avoiding ostracism from society for breaching the societal norm of trusting people.

Why ACAB is retarded

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Why “ACAB” is Retarded (This mainly applies to the west, I make exception for the Israeli Occupation Forces who are bastards.)

In the past few months, I have been carefully observing the Occupy movement and various other Anti Capitalist/Left Wing movements, and some of the things I have observed, have, quite frankly, being fucking retarded.

Prime among those, is the “ACAB” (All Cops Are Bastards, not someone failing hard at alphabet...), “FTP” (Fuck The Police, not File Transfer Protocol as I first thought on instinct...) and other anti police slogans.

Seriously. Do you guys REALLY expect the cops to treat you with kid gloves when you are screaming obscenities at them? When you generalize and brand ALL cops with the same brush? Sure, some police officers may have (certainly have) violated your rights, been guilty of police brutality, used excessive force, and otherwise been bastards.

What you fail to realize, is that there are MANY other cops who have NOT done so. And by tarring them all with the same fucking brush, you simply antagonize them. I have watched countless hours of livestreams, and to be completely honest, I saw more incidences of police officers standing down than I did of them brutalizing protesters. And I saw a fair bit of protesters being treated with brutality. Yet, even in cases where the police stood down, or otherwise were being nice, the hashtags remained the same “FTP” and “ACAB” prime among them.

The police are just doing their job. If they get orders to clear out some protesters, they have no choice but to do so, or lose their job AND face criminal charges for disobedience. And to be completely honest, I see NO reason for a police officer to risk their job, and/or their freedom, for a bunch of people who treat them with the utmost contempt, either screaming obscenities at them or referring to them in a derogatory manner.

I myself have seen excessive force in person, at protests in 2010 I got a little too close for comfort to flailing batons and horses. I had to call ambulances for people who were hit repeatedly with ASP extendable batons or, in one case, kicked in the face by a horse. I cannot “unsee” the image of a young lady being carried past police lines with her face a mask of blood and shredded tissue, having recieved a hoof to the head. I have been raided and thousands of euros of my property damaged, destroyed or seized. Priceless data – irreplacable software and designs – gone forever. Yet I still have the utmost respect for the police. I have no contempt, no anger toward them.

Why?

Because without them, we would be completely and utterly fucked. Those same people you see screaming “FTP” or “ACAB” slogans are the EXACT SAME ONES who will go running to the boys in blue the second the SLIGHTEST thing happens to them. And they will have no gratitude when some officer maybe risks their life or health to help them out. Nope. They will continue screaming their retarded slogans, continue calling cops “pigs”.

This is not to say I love the police either. I have many criticisms of policing, and often think things can go too far. Surveillance powers granted to them are, in my opinion, fucking ridiculous. The use of informants and entrapment reprehensible. The fact these are permissable under the excuses of “pedophiles”, “terrorists”, “organized criminals” and “human trafficing” is a load of bollocks – once they are granted those powers in “special cases” it is not long before they are used against Joe Soap who forgot to pay his fucking household charge.

Excessive use of force and tactics/weapons used by riot police is another thing I take issue with – the ASP baton can easily kill if used wrongly, tear gas is potentially carcinogenic, and tazers are lethal in many cases. The “Less than lethal” grenades are more like “Less likely to kill you but hey – dead people cannot sue anyway” grenades, the water cannon and use of horses/dogs are scarily reminiscent of the equal rights protests in the 60's.

Oddly enough, if one investigates, one finds there are often reasons for these tactics. Most officers are taught to strike muscle masses with the ASP baton (for fear of breaking a victims bones), which is ineffective, requiring multiple strikes (bludgeoning) to take down a subject.

Tear gas has been shown to be a double edged sword – in the 1980's students made their own and retaliated.

Kettling is using the divide and conquer principle, which brings me to a rant about the militarization of police forces, which I am skipping because it is TL;DR nonsense.

All these things are the “Bad side” of policing, and they get a lot of coverage. But what about the good things the cops do? Like (try) prevent crime?

Now, it is well known the police cannot magically prevent crime, and that they only occasionally can track down that bastard who nicked your wallet in CP's, but.

Imagine a world without policing.

Anarchy. Crime everywhere. You would likely be shot or stabbed or beaten within mere minutes, as there would be no fear of legal ramifications, no reason to NOT be a criminal.

This, is the finest example of carrot/stick. Except there is no carrot really, just a big stick. If you fuck up and violate the law (usually by violating someone elses rights), you get a smack. If not, you are OK. Most of the time.

Anyways, to reiterate.

For an activist movement to take an anti-police stance, is likely one of the most idiotic things they can do.

Why?

1. Antagonizing them. Can you expect officers to treat you with kindness when you are calling them “pigs” and “bastards” all the fucking time? How would YOU feel if you were called a bastard by a police officer? Fit to sue I bet...
2. Division. Police officers are not some ruling elite, they are part of the working class of society, whether you fucking like it or not. They work shit hours, have to deal with scumbags and wankers all day, and get bugger all pay worth mentioning. Not to mention the risks they take. They are part of what you CLAIM to be fighting for, yet you shun them. Nice one, hypocrite.
3. Expectations. If you are known to the police as anti police, the day you need them, do not be fucking surprised if they are reluctant to help. They have other cases. Ones they may decide are more important than yours. Ones involving people who are NOT calling them bastard pigs all the fucking time.

Thank you, that is all.

Assholes. Assholes everywhere!

Ok. So just a quick rant, on the stupidity of people, and the general fuckwittery that is part of our “culture” or whatever.

It is almost a hardcoded thing an "average bloke" seems to be doing: try to hit on/flirt with/HARASS (EMPHASIS ADDED) ANY woman who is left alone for more than 0.5 seconds... I mean fuck, I leave my girlfriend alone for a SECOND to buy a drink, and at least two creeps will be trying it on in my absence. It is almost as if their "target selection algorithm" is based on "if girl = alone: harass". This bullshit... AAAAAARGH. (vague threats involving a shovel, a spare carpet, and a bag of lime...). I mean fuck. Do they not get the idea that a girl on her own may not be interested in their obvious advances?

The worst part is, they do it in a horrible manner. They ASSUME no one is going to say no to them, because they CLEARLY are the biggest catch in town, and things like courtesy, manners, and general civility are for lesser peons. These blokes tend to be the type who believe they are “the shit”, and if confronted, there is a chance they will tell one to “fuck off, faggot”.

Now, most of the time these are also the biggest cowards around - they bugger off sharpish the second I start coming back, so I never get a chance to dispense a few lessons in respect and good grace.

They, while annoying, are not the worst though... The worst are the types who will NOT leave. Thus far I have had the good luck to never have to confront one, but they are out there. The kind who believe “no” is “yes but playing hard to get”. You know the type I am referring to - the creepy probably-future-rapist type guy, that CP’s and such seem to cater to.

The whole nightclub thing is not really my scene, as most know. Sure, I do not mind going out clubbing, and I like Carbon. I just prefer a pub. More civilized, less fuckwits trying it on, and less idiocy.
Nightclubs, on the other hand, tend to cater toward the young male who wants to “get locked” and “get the ride”. Load of shite. Even some (most) of the marketing tends to this, as do some of the promo stuff. “Get really fucking drunk and sleep with someone”. Does not matter that the “someone” may be barely capable of walking, its “all good craic” apparently.
FUCK THAT.

This “cattle market” (how me mam refers to CP’s) kind of atmosphere is basically pushing the anti-feminism thing further, and helping ensure that everything remains male dominated. Which is fucking disgusting and shite in general.

Now, for the question. Is being a single woman (or a woman on her own) in a nightclub overall a good or a bad experience? I cannot say. But I am sure someone can in the comments :)

*Note: For international readers, the slang terms used are local ones. But a quick bit of thinking will help you work out what they mean...

What the fuck?

Something is seriously wrong here. My theme on this blog has changed to be all cheerful and bright colours as opposed to my favoured white letters on a grey background.

Oh well. May as well stick with the ridiculously flamboyant theme for now...

RTFM

Just READ THE FUCKING MANUAL!
Ok, this is a looong awaited rant. About idiot users and silly people in general.

So, $(Average Computer User) will often come to me with “How do I do $(Simple Task)”. I will often refer them to the manual, instructions, help documents, FAQ, or, give them an introduction to a magical button known as “F1”, or the “I’m an idiot get me out of here!” button. AKA “HELP”.

For Linux/UNIX users, I instead will refer them to a thing called “man pages”, or, “The Fucking Manual”. Most programs have one. Invoking “man <program name>” brings up the man page, aka, the fucking manual.

Now, I normally tell first time offenders this in a well meaning manner, in the hope they will become independant and learn to solve problems themselves.

Unfortunately, it would appear Homo Sapiens Userus is incapable of doing so.
This, sadly, does not just apply to IT.

In real life, I see people handed things like “Student guidebooks” on Day-1 of college. Documents with maps, instructions, etc. Helpful things, designed to be retard friendly. SO long as said fuckwit can read.
OF course, reading is FAR above the average modern user. Especially the type who needs help figuring out the simplest things, like reading their timetable the right way up.

“Read the bloody manual? Fuck that, I will just annoy you instead!”. The amount of times some dolt asked me for directions to a place he had JUST BEEN SHOWN made me wonder was it OK to commit genocide if it only was wiping out the idiots.

The number of times someone asked me to explain how to do X (normally it was register online, which required nothing more than clicking a few buttons... FAR less work than logging into Facebook or tagging a photo), despite the fucking instructions and the assistants on-hand, was beyond comprehension. I actully felt part of my brain melt and dribble out my left ear due to this.

People often wonder why I always seem to know what I am doing and such. No, it is not because I have repeated the same year of college 3 years running, it is because I have figured out that “the manual” exists for a fucking good reason - for you to read it and stop asking bloody stupid questions.
So. What was the meaning of this post, besides as an excuse to vent? Well. To get a simple message across.

Things have instructions.
Instructions are simple.
You are simple.
Read the fucking instructions.
Follow the fucking instructions.
Now that hard thing is simple.
Much like you.
You just did that thing.
Good for you.
RTFM or GTFO.

* as an aside, for would-be programmers: help(function) in Python, perldoc $modulename in Perl, man (function) in C (UNIX), and the MSDN is a good start to consider... Instead of spamming the ever living fuck out of me every time you cannot work out how to format a print statement!

Recovery

I can safely admit I would not be present today, if it were not for a few incredibly well placed people who came into my life at the right time, and essentially got me to get the fuck back up, and start being a person again.

Last September, in the beginning of what was to be a “rebirth” of sorts, I was barely even human.

I could not eat.

I could not sleep, save for passing out periodically.

I could not talk to people properly, I felt like what I had done, and the events my actions had caused, had turned me into some kind of pariah. A fringe-person, to be shunned by society for their misdeeds.

At that time, I barely even thought like a human being. My mind was hanging somewhere in cyberspace, lost in a sea of “WTF?!”, Nyan Cat, and total insanity. It was essentially malfunctioning beyond belief.

For a look at what it would have looked like, see the following...

Begin Boot Sequence.

[+] Init ramdisc.... Done!

[+] Load Kernel.... Done!

[-] Load Human.... Fail!

[!] Warn: Kernel Module ‘Human’ failed to load!

Kernel Panic!

Overwriting Swap Space!

Reboot...

Essentially, imagine a computer stuck in an endless loop, unable to load its operating system. A completely defective device on its way to overheating and catching fire/blowing up.

Luckily, someone was present to deliver a “hard reset” of sorts, by way of kindness and being a nice person.

It was only a few days after everything had rather spectacularly blown up in the expected hollywood-esque fashion, and my days as a bad guy hacker person had drawn to an end - one which was expected, but never really believed in.

I was walking into college, thinking about how fucked everything was, wondering where to go from here. The simplest things, like getting a cup of coffee (my primary objective that morning) seemed to be unimaginable tasks. Like climbing Mt Everest in pyjamas and slippers. Completely unfathomable, and rather frightening.

It was just as I started to really begin to panic, when a person I knew appeared. I had only met her a couple of times, but she seemed to figure something was up. Probably the look of sheer fucking panic and “WTF” that seemed to be my constant expression at that time. A short conversation ensued, and for some reason, I ended up feeling a shitload better.

She had essentially put me on the road back to “being a fucking person”, and throughout the next while, would occasionally put me back on track when I veered off a bit. No idea HOW, and I even at one point questioned her very existance (yes, that is a thing - wondering is a person actually real, or some kind of cosmic fucking intervention) - but within an incredibly short amount of time, I was able to talk to people. To sleep. Eventually I started actually eating food at somewhat more regular intervals than “sometime, just not now”. 

A while later, this person made me question everything about my nature. A damn good thing, that, because without that, I am not sure if I would have gotten so far.

So, that person (who is not named here), you know who you are, and seriously, I owe you big time. Pretty much owe you my life.

You, are fucking awesome. Thank you.

Skip forward a short while, and things seem to be looking up a bit. A short interlude of idiocy occurred, wherin some things were experimented with that should not have been experimented with, however just as I was fixing up myself and realizing that complete oblivion is not the correct way to forget a problem, another event was appearing on the horizon that would drastically alter my life.

So it was a weekend, and to celebrate the birth of two of my friends, I had headed out to the town for the usual. Some pretty serious drinking, and some craic. I expected to wake up with a lack of memory and a hangover, as per the norm, before finding some daft photos of me attempting to dance* on facebook or something. Something like that.

Instead, I met someone who would immediately change fucking EVERYTHING. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I went and fell in love. And got myself into a relationship.

 

This in itself was a test of kinds, as I had said to myself I would not be getting involved with anyone until I got my shit sorted out. Would not be fair to drag someone into the mess I call a “life”. Especially with the uncertain legal situation.

However, when I met her, it was like “DISREGARD THAT! PLAN CHANGED!”.

A short time later, the shit really hit the fan. Remember what I said about unfair bringing someone into the mess I call a life?

It got messier.

A LOT messier.

Early March, a Tuesday evening, and the only things on my mind were “when do I see her again?” and a particularly troubling Python problem I was trying to solve. I was sitting down, writing an article for my site, when I perchance clicked “news”.

And saw my photo pop up. Over 9000 times. “Oh, fuck.”

The FBI had gone and had me indicted in a court in New York. Nice of them to forget to inform me of the indictment - the first I heard was Fox News.

Scanning the newsfeeds, a lot of things came to light. I had been indicted for a couple of computer crimes, my old friend Sabu was a snitch (something I figured out by myself following my arrest, but I had suspicions and no proof), and that shit had gotten a little bit out of hand.

And that I was now 25, according to the ever reliable media.

First order was to tell my girlfriend, then mock the media on Twitter about my age. Then fucking panic.

I had far too much to lose now, in sharp contrast to 6 months before. I had a new life. A girlfriend I loved. Some work to do. Shiny things to research.

The next while was a complete mess, with media intrusion, and complete paranoia. I took to sneaking around campus, taking alternate routes, and running away from ANYONE who was carrying a camera. Even the “harmless” hipsters. Everything I said online ended up in some article or other, along with everything I ALLEGEDLY said. I had emails from everyone including the bloody Late Late Show.

All of which were ignored.

Amazingly, despite the complete shit-hitting-fan, she stuck by me. And all was well. Life went on. Sure, for a few months my paranoia was set to “maximum”, but I was able to be a fucking human.

Thats it. Without those two people, I would probably not have lasted this long. I would not have come so far. So, to those two, seriously. I owe ye my fucking life.

*From memory, other peoples comments and more than a few photos, my “dancing” is, well, imagine the product of an insane (but amazing) choreographer (yes, I used to be on stage), combined with a sizeable amount of alcohol, and “something”. Wherin the end goal is to NOT lose a single drop from a full pint glass.

Breaking Radio Silence

So, my "ranty shite and personal crap" blog has lain dormant for approximately 6 months now.
Mostly because of nothing to write about.

Fear not, plenty of ranting on the way!

Adrift in the sea of indecision

/* Yet another un-edited post... Expect more typoes */

Indecision. The inability to decide, to choose.
To be able to choose assumes one has choices, options, different routes to pick from.

In an equation, in math, physics, or even an algorithm or function in a program, there will always be variables if the program, equation or algorithm is to do something useful. The variables are the choices that cause the function, algorithm or equation to "do something".

Here the issue is several choices and no predefined function or equation that will let me decide logically which to choose.

It all began a couple of months ago... When I realized that I actually had regained the ability to "feel". I had been numb for so long, willingly denying myself the ability to feel certain emotions, trying to protect self from emotional harm.

Instead I became a complete bastard at times, as I could not comprehend certain things, ignored certain people, and generally caused a bit of pain in general by blanking everything.

Now I have options, and don't know what to do with 'em. I could just randomly choose from them using a rand() type function but, no idea. Could do more harm than good.

I have people from my past coming back and causing me significant amounts of pain and such (mentally) by putting choices there, and I would be lying if I said I felt nothing. I have new people who also seem to be acting as if they are another choice, but I don't know how to trust them. I have to trust them if I am to decide, as nothing in life will succeed without trust to some degree.

There was a lot more to this that I [backspaced] out as I didn't feel like finishing it.

ah well.

/*ends*/

Incoherence, memory, and the past.

/* Please note, this post has not been edited or checked. It is as I write it in my current state, so typoes may proliferate throughout the text */



Well, last 24 hours have been strange. I planned to spend ""forever alone day" at home with my cat, Stephen King, and a fuckload of chocolate.

Instead, some friends had half convinced me to go out by the time I got home, and my plans of bed, kitteh, books and chocolate were blow'd up. By the cat.

Seems she got stuck in my room or something, because she left a lovely maloderant package on my bed. All over it. "Not sleeping here tonight... Room needs time  to air". Cleaned mess up, had shower + food, went to town.

At first it seemed it would be an average, dull night (with extra hilarity from all the downbeat people around - you could TASTE the depression and rejection in the air), however that changed awful fast.

Had a couple (a few) drinks, and was actually having a pretty decent time and enjoying mild intoxication when it happened.

I ended up running into my ex... And almost lost my hold on self. So much unresolved stuff, so much un-dealt-with emotions, so much locked away. All came bursting loose. Like the fucking hoover dam in my mind decided to blow.

Few more drinks later, and a few conversations with her, and I was remembering the last ~6 years or so with incredible clarity (not just the last two, seemed she sparked memories from before I met her also), being bombarded inside with massive amounts of stimuli. Mind == BLOWN.

Overall, kept up appearances, nothing externally visible in public. Just "kept calm and carried on".

Inside, I still don't know what the fuck. I am still trying to handle this massive amount of information, all these memories, all this emotional stuff that has re-emerged.

Might I add, this time of year was never particularly easy for me. Never liked it. never could enjoy it. So this kind of mental tidal wave or avalanche of "stuff" is not exactly good, considering self.state(current).

Currently as people who read this will know, I am trying to deal with a few issues. One being how I "react" to people. The other being how I read people. I often misread, false positives or false negatives depending on subject matter and level of self delusional optimism or pessimism.

I have likely blown more than one chance to move on with life by being Mr Socially Awkward or Mr Standoffish at the wrong moment, but that was likely due to any number of factors. Number one being the little pessimism problem, which stems from fear. Fear of everything. Fear of unknown variables.

Not to mention, people who read this also know I get angry very easily. I know I cannot fix that, but I can at least try fix the "response". Ranting about it here is part of that - blowing off excess steam, etc. I have to get rid of it somewhere, else may cause self trouble again.

All in all, last 24 hours have caused a massive excess of memory, etc.

Now for the big problem: what am I gonna do next? I have choices, options are open. Just no fucking idea what to do with 'em. No idea what ones I should take, should I base my decisions on logical choice or on feeling? No idea. Should one base emotional choice on a logical arguement or just go with ones feelings?

No idea.



(Remember. Title included word "incoherence", so coherence was not my objective. I think. I dunno)

Educating Retards (Fuck Stupid People)

This was going to be a LONG, drawn out rant. It was GOING to piss off a LOT of people.

So I cut it short lest I cause too much butthurt.

First off, by "retard" I mean "Fucking Stupid People", not anything else. I mean TOTALLY FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEINGS who are SO fucking stupid that the term "retard" or "imbecile" is the ONLY term in my vocabulary that does their idiocy justice.

If such a retard is reading this rant (and is already butthurt) they should read on. Their online existance may even be prolonged by what I have to say... If they take heed!

Let's start with a prime example, one I see at LEAST once a week. The average Facebook User!
Here are some of the incredibly silly things they do, which qualifies them for the title "Retard".

"Who needs privacy controls? I have nothing to hide!" (Spelling and grammar corrected).
Well now, dearest retard, let me see... Unless you are a retired cybercriminal whose online movements are monitored 24/7 ANYWAY by law enforcement, and thus hiding is a moot point, (see my later post "On Paranoia", coming soon!), I am certain you DO have something to hide.
Have you ever broken the law on a night out? (no matter how trivial), Cheated on your significant other? Done or said ANYTHING that a current or future employer may not be overly pleased with? Have any enemies? (we all have enemies)
Odds are, there is a photo of it. With you tagged in it.
Or a wall post. With you tagged in it.
Or a comment. With your name linked to it.

Odds are, it is SOMEWHERE on Facebook. With your name proudly displayed next to it. And anyone who wants to find it, CAN and WILL find it.
As an extreme (yet real) example, do you like the idea of someone being able to TRACK your EVERY move a bit creepy? A bit impossible? A bit bloody frightening? Based solely on your misconfigured privacy settings and your facebook page?
Sound like fiction?

It aint. See here for more on that, the aptly named tool "CREEPY". CREEPY GeoLocation

THAT is why you need privacy controls. EVERYONE has something to hide from someone.

The next case is somewhat hilarious. One I see daily.

Apps. Fucking apps. As a legitimate Facebook Application Developer  (WileyLess app!) I get royally fucking pissed off with all the fake applications out there. As a reformed blackhat I *know* how they work, having considered creating some in the past. Shit like "what was my first status" and "photo viewer". Pisses me off, because the ONLY reason they still proliferate is because of the fucking retards who click on them and propegate them.

Sure, call 'em victims, but people *That* fucking stupid should not be let near a computer in the first place. And even worse, when you TELL them they just got pwned they freak the fuck out and start getting all defensive, saying YOU are being an asshole. Sorry ma'am or sir, I was just warning you. I apologise for my vitriolic tone. No. Fuck you. You had been warned. You should have known better. But nope, in your incredible stupidity you went and allowed the thing to not only pwn you, but also spread via your account to your equally idiotic friends, some of whom likely fell victim themselves.

Hence, I will *not* be apologising for my marginally rude manner, you *know* the rules. Dont. Fucking. Click. Shit.

This rant is being cut short. I am sick of these retarded people.
Seriously. I would make a video if I could... Just to demonstrate my anger at them. I would name shame and fucking blame several. But I won't, as I don't feel like it.

Self analysis of problem

So there I am, wondering why I cannot talk to [redacted] without by brain freezing up and generally me being reduced to an inert, totally passive spanner with the total inability to coherently speak/form sentences/carry a conversation.

So I thought, "lets find out!"... (and so lulz shall be had...)

Let me show you the results... In true Linux nerd style, ala BASH Shell session!

<session opened: BASH>
infodox@localhost:~$ talk [redacted]
Permission Denied.
infodox@localhost:~$ sudo bash
Password: *****************
root@localhost:~# talk [redacted]
Segmentation Fault.
Core Dumped.
root@localhost:~# which talk
/usr/bin/talk
root@localhost:~# ./crashtracer.pl -c "/usr/bin/talk [redacted]"
[+] Hooking /usr/bin/talk binary...
[*] Attempting to trigger the crash...
[+] Crash detected! Parsing Data!
[*] Heuristic: Stack Overflow Detected
[*] /usr/bin/talk EIP: x6c696c79
[*] /usr/bin/talk ESP: x6c696c79
[*] Buffersize: 4
[+] Testing is RCE possible...[!]
[-] It is only DoS, could not load shellcode.
[!] Solution/migitation: Don't try to talk to [redacted]
root@localhost:~# exit
infodox@localhost:~$ exit
<session closed>

So, it seems that every time I try talking to "[redacted]" it simply causes me to buffer overflow and "crash". or at least, my brain does. A simple, logical solution is to just avoid "[redacted]", but that does not FIX the issue at hand. It seems there is some underlying issue here that leads to this "denial of service" condition...

Perhaps I know "[redacted]" is smarter than me? More socially capable than I? Probably (definately) a better reader of people than me? That shit probably makes me feel insecure, likely makes me feel outmatched. Possibly.
The depth of feeling I have found for [redacted] likely is a major factor too. Not a day goes by without them somehow appearing in my mind at random...

This shit has gotta end soon. Somehow. Be it in a happily ever after fairyland ending or with lulzy rejection and a /bin/rm -rf of a few files, it HAS to end. Else it may well destroy me, or at least ROYALLY fuck me over. I know it is causing me some serious instability and taking up FAR too many clock cycles of late to be healthy in its current state... All I need now is the time and the place.

<footnotes>
* those that know me IRL will know I often see my mind as a Linux box that crashes more than Windows Vista. They also will know I use "terminal sessions" as a visualisation method to structure thoughts.

** For those of you who really know your shit, there is a clue as to who "[redacted]" may well be. I left the clue there for the same reason I do ANYTHING. I did it for the fucking lulz.

*** No, I have NOT yet written said auto-awesome Perl script to test crashes for RCE... YET!!

Plastic People (Fuck Em!)

You know these people. Plastic people. Less real than a fake fucking Christmas tree. Those people with polymorphic personalities, those metamorphic men and women who are more malleable than modelling clay, more pliable than play-doh.

Synthetic sincerity, laughter never quite reaching their eyes, blending in and fading out, selling themselves with lies. These are the people, who wish to control our lives. They change at the drop of a hat and will stab you right in the back - if it is profitable to their aims.

Regarding their aims, I have yet to understand what exactly they are. Who knows what they really seek. Is it money? Sex? Power? Popularity? I know the theories that they merely wish to sleep around, but it does not "feel" correct. Maybe it is due to their own lack of a sense of identity that they do it.
Fucked if I know.

All I know is how to spot 'em and that they are very dangerous. I do not plan on printing "Your guide to spotting the plastic people!" or anything, so let this just be an advisory. Those motherfuckers are EVERYWHERE. Too capable of blending in, yet also standing out. Too "acceptable" yet also "unique" enough to appear individual. They are not the same as the "Socially Acceptable" or the "Mold Made Man" but they may be mistaken as part of said flock.

So be warned. Your comerades may not be all that they seem...

(btw, my anger at these arseholes is visible in the tag cloud. They are the reason I would be wearing a fucking tinfoil hat by now!)

Self distraction. (Confessions of an infosec obsessive)

It is all just a distraction. All of it. The reason I spent four years studying the precise art and science of blowing things up, and the reason I cannot as much as look at a lock without considering picking it. The same reason I cannot browse the web without thinking of all the possible vulnerabilities in the sites I visit.

It is the reason I cannot walk around the city with a beautiful lady without thinking of wireless mapping. It is *all* just another distraction.

I cannot give too many examples, but as a case in point. When did my infosec career (blackhat or whitehat) really begin to kick off? When did my last proper relationship take a nosedive? Notice any correlation?

Engaging the mind to disengage the "heart"*, the perfect self-defence mechanism, the ideal preventative medicine. Keep the brain ticking over on some complex problems to stop it from even considering ANY emotional "stuff". Makes one look heartless, but really, it is just a symptom of fear.

Around the city I walked with her, and when she asked was I OK with just seemingly wandering I gave the (lame) excuse that I was mapping the place. That I had some semblance of a plan. Avoiding the fact that I was simply enjoying her company. Self delusion to the nth degree. Dodging the fact that someone may - does - mean more to me than just data.

When I proceeded to effect my egress, and started heading home, did I think about what it could have been? No. Too painful, too much possibility for hurt. Instead, I analysed my mapping data. Instead, I buried myself in my work.

If and when she comes to mind (often) I simply bury it all beneath the ever growing pile of information. Ideas. The 9am inspiration and 10am realization are proof of this.

A solution needs to be found in this, something both coldly logical and enough to appease the emotional one inside. Something simple and effective, for a simple answer solves most questions and bedamned the consequences of "asking".

All chance is either 1 or 0.
Null or Valid.
Yes or No.
Black or White.
The shades of grey are an illusion caused by our own moral delusions and an aspiration to justify our actions. It can go one of two ways and while one is the "perfect" outcome, the other is acceptable only due to the fact it will change nothing, merely /bin/rm a few files and cause temporary system instability.
Nothing of great value can be lost. Everything of value will be lost. A simultaneously paradoxical equation resulting in 0 or 1 depending on the perspective.

None of it may make ANY sense to you, but, oh well, makes flawless sense to me. Because it is not about explaining myself to you, but moreso about explaining myself to me. The fact that it is published may seemingly negate that but no, it was posted for my own amusement**, basically the same reason I did ANYTHING.

"I did it for the lulz".

The lulz, meaning of course, as a distraction. For fun. To divert, appease and slow the mind. To stem a tide of both boredom and emotional dilemma - essentially a distraction.
Don't understand? Doesn't matter. Perhaps scroll up and try again.

* The matter of the "heart" is a funny one. As a closet romantic I find the notion pleasing, wheras as a scientist I find it amusing seeing as it is, essentially, a fucking pump. As a cynic I find it hilarious as often it really is a metaphor for the "small head", but as a human being I find it a lovely way to explain matters of "love".

**Publishing this may also have been a form of catharsis, a means of cleansing or purging the mind. It probably did not fucking work anyway. Oh well.